Equity Perspective: Health

"It's not that big a deal!"

The Backstory

I had an Equity Perspective moment recently, when I was feeling sorry for myself after having a (successful) procedure in our local hospital.
I’ve been very fortunate during my life not to have had to be in hospital often. I went in to have both my children in my 30's, and both were born by caesarean. The first was an emergency section, which I still have very traumatic memories of, so when I’m in a hospital, my HSP and neurodiverse brain gets overwhelmed and takes me straight back to that day and those feelings. It can almost physically cause pain, as well as mental distress.
The second caesarean was planned, so that I'd know what to expect, having had so much trauma the first time. I get quite upset and feel judged when I hear people suggest that choosing to have a c-section is the lazy option, the too posh to push way to have a baby, or that it’s a quicker recovery. Part of my scar opened up 14 years after I’d had my section, so I can assure you, it’s not a quicker recovery. My body has always felt weaker since that first day. It’s like it lives in a state of constant alertness, holding onto the fear of that level of trauma. There’s always a layer of tension there - I don't think it’s ever fully relaxed since.

I’d also never been under a general anaesthetic until about 18 months ago, and have since had three.
And I’m also generally quite an emotional, sensitive person, so hospitals are a bit stressful for me overall.

Perspective Recognition Happening in Real Time

So when a friend asked me how I was feeling after my recent hospital procedure was all over, as relieved and pleased as I was that it had gone well, I was still feeling a little bit emotional. I wanted to be wrapped in cotton wool and hugged by the world for a while.
I had a good old pity party with her about how I was feeling.

Then I found myself feeling guilty for that reaction. This particular friend is someone who’s had multiple, significant health challenges throughout their life, and has regular hospital visits and procedures as a result. Suddenly, my situation felt like it paled in comparison, and I became a bit embarrassed about my self pitying behaviour.
As I became curious about how I felt, versus seeing others in much more serious situations take it all in their stride, I realised it was yet another example of how we can misinterpret other people’s reactions to things.
I was able to stop and voice this perspective to my friend. I realised how I could’ve been perceived as insensitive in the circumstances, and I wanted to make it clear that I could see that now, and that I genuinely appreciated how different our life experiences had been.

I wasn’t undermining my own limited experience or emotional anxiety. I still felt the way I felt, because of my limited experience. But I wanted to acknowledge that our experiences of what looks like a similar situation were actually vastly different.
I’d also like to point out that my friend was absolutely nothing but compassionate and supportive that day. This realisation was entirely my own. It was simply a moment of stopping and looking at the conversation from her perspective.

An Opportunity to Be Curious, Not Furious

The intention of sharing this is to invite you to be curious when someone tells you about a difficult experience for them.
If you don’t understand why they found it difficult, or you’re tempted to underplay it, roll your eyes, or suggest they need to be less emotional or get over it quicker, I’d invite you to pause. Consider asking them what that experience feels like for them. If it feels appropriate for both of you, you could even acknowledge that while you don’t have the same reaction, you’d genuinely like to understand why both of your experiences and emotions around it are so different.
Conversely, if you’re sharing a personal story or an upsetting experience, and someone undermines it, or you get the sense that they’re confused by the strength of your reaction, it might be an opportunity to wonder why the experience might feel so much less significant to them.
If it feels appropriate, you could gently ask them if they’d be open to sharing their perspective. Be mindful of the timing, and of your relationship with them. It might be better to have that conversation later, when you’re potentially less emotional and maybe less likely to feel hurt by their response. Otherwise, you could simply hold the curiosity yourself and consider what other experiences might be shaping their reaction.

You might learn something new.
You might not.
But you’ll never know if you choose to minimise or negate another person’s experience.

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Quietly overthinking, deeply curious.

A closer look often reveals the bridges we already share.